Obsession
I have a confession: I'm a little obsessed with Shonda Rhimes.
Trust me, it sounds just as creepy hearing it in my head as it did for you to read. At least hear me out before you go and call the police.
See, I'm a writer. My official job title is magazine editor and journalist, but really, I'm a writer. Yes, there is a difference. Writers get to make shit up in their heads, put it on paper, and give it to the masses for their enjoyment. (REAL) Journalists can make shit up in their heads, but then we have to corroborate it with facts, turn it into something entertaining, and then give it to the masses for their enjoyment.
Anyway, I have been writing for as long as I can remember. I always kept a diary where I wrote all my deepest, darket secrets. Since I was the angry fat girl with thick glasses who always wore a ponytail, I wasn't very likeable in elementary school. So really, all my deepest, darkest secrets were just daydreams and wishes. I would love to find that diary. I'm sure I would guffaw at what my 8-year-old brain thought was a major catastrophe.
Along the way in life, I lost the weight and (some) of the attitude, graduated high school and college, worked in newspapers, television and magazines, got married and had two kids who are now 5 and 14 months. But, there was always something missing. Don't get me wrong, every journalism job and everything that has happened in my life has taught me something about myself. But there was still always something missing. One day out of pure boredom, I started writing a story about two best friends who are single. I drew on the kind of conversations I would have with my best friends: the shit talking, the tough love, the advice, and knowing that we could easily blackmail each other with our long history. Most of all, I wanted to portray the closeness and the love between us. I tried to show that through these characters as they both made great and sometimes questionable decisions. I wanted people to relate to them, to look at them and say "Wow, that was a really stupid thing you did, but I kind of see why you made that choice." They are people you love even though you want to shake some sense into them. I published my first book, "Closure or Ammo," to a small audience and got lots of praise. I realized what was missing. I didn't need to write in the formulaic style of journalism. I needed the free-flowing creative writing of being an author. I went on to rewrite the first book and wrote two more in the series and published them all (shameless plug: They're for sale on Amazon! Book 1 is "Closure or Ammo", book 2 is "Money or Mayhem", book 3 is "Friend or Foe").
It was around that time that I really started getting into the TV show "Scandal." I never watched Grey's Anatomy, but I realized both shows have been around a long time and are racking up awards, so something must be going right. Then I learned who was the woman behind the scenes of both shows, Shonda Rhimes. As if I wasn't ignoring my family enough on Thursdays watching Scandal, she just HAD to be the executive producer of "How to Get Away With Murder." Shonda, WHY?! I am useless on Thursdays now!
But one thing I grew to appreciate was her writing. The plot twists, the character developments, the dialogue. This woman is a creative genius! I can't get enough!
Then she had the audacity to come out with a book, "Year of Yes." My husband bought it for Christmas and I quickly dug in. See, Shonda talks a lot about on the outside, she is a wildly successful badass, but on the inside, she was in turmoil. She basically had/has bad social anxiety to the point that she said if she had the choice to meet the President and go to the White House, she would have said no (she was told to go and ended up having a wonderful time). How she got into her comfort zone and could hardly break out of it. I could see so much of myself in what she was saying. I, too, am an introvert. I'm perfeclty happy sitting at home with my kids in familiar surroundings. Yes, I do like to meet up with friends or go see a movie on occasion, but afterward, I need about a day to recover. As a child, I was painfully shy. Literally, it hurt my stomach if I had to be with unfamiliar people. The panic would rise in my chest like my life was in danger. My flight or fight instincts would kick in, and I would be ready to get the hell up out of wherever I was. I've learned to deal with it as I got older and now have a much easier time making friends, but I still get a flash of panic if I'm put in new situations, hence why I spend most of my time in the house. Unfortunately, I see the same thing in my 5-year-old though he, too, is getting better at handling it.
One day, Shonda's sister told her, "You never say yes to anything."Those six words sent her on a course that would change her life. So she started saying yes to everything that would take her out of her comfort zone, but also be beneficial to her. An amazing thing happened: She was happier, more focused, and even had a social life. The light bulb went off in my head. I have been saying "no" for far too long. Friends don't ask me to hang out. I can't tell you where are the cool places around town to hang out. My husband hasn't seen me out of pajama pants in a while. My kids think the couch is stuck to my butt. Okay, those last few parts aren't totally true, but you get where I'm coming from.
So my own Journey of Yes starts with doing more in church. My relationship with God has waned over the years. Not that I ever stopped believing, or that I doubt He is still watching over us, but I stopped turning to Him when faced with problems and issues I'm dealing with. I also want to volunteer more, so I said "yes" to helping out in the nursery. I also plan to sign up for what we call a Life Group through the church. Again, trying to build up my connections, strengthen my relationship with God and meet new people. Win, win and win.
Second thing I am doing is working out. A former coworker's wife is a personal trainer, so I wrote her on Facebook and essentially told her I'm a pre-diabetic fat ass and I need help. Maybe she'll take it easy on me since I'm a friend, though I don't want her to. I said "yes" to fat for too long. Now I'm saying "yes" to feeling better.
Third, I need to advance my education. I have my college degree, but we all know a Master's degree is where you get ahead. I found an online MFA program at the University of Texas-El Paso in Creative Writing. When I'm done, I will have a book ready to publish (I have already started my fourth book, just haven't finished it, so that is the one I will submit for the application) or I can use it to teach.
Fourth, my personal relationships need a kickstart. I had withdrawn so far into myself, that I was ignoring virtually everyone but my kids, and that's only because they don't let you ignore them. I need to work on myself, my marriage, my friendships.
This blog will take you on my Journey of Yes with me. I know I will stumble, I will say "no" when I should go, I will claim to be too tired or too busy. But, I also hope this will be an inspiration to someone else who feels stuck. Someone else who feels life is passing them by, or maybe feels that the couch is a magical place where dreams come true. Couches are awesome, yes, but your life shouldn't be tied to it.
Most of all, thank YOU Shonda, wherever you are. Thank you for allowing my obsession to also be a turning point in my life. And also thanks for not calling the police. That would have really messed up my plans. <3
